thoughts from an empty head

A Funny Story

This happened today. For the uninitiated: C-PAP.

OK, that’s it. I call shenanigans.

I just know that there has to be an agreement between Lorne Michaels and Sarah Palin. She throws out the low hanging fruit, and SNL pulls in the big ratings.

That has to be the answer. Otherwise, John McCain selected the worst qualified candidate for any federal job in the history of this country.

You be the judge.

Oh. My. God.

The White Sox, despite all my expectations, are in the playoffs. First game against the Devil Rays is Thursday.

And the Cubs are already in, as well. Please, God, let me see a Crosstown Classic this year.

I need a new White Sox World Series Champions hat.

• Overview of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 - Kevin Bondelli’s Youth Vote Blog
  "I went through the full text of the failed Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, AKA the Bailout Bill, and here is my overview."
  (tags: economy Finance recession depression)

Many things drive me nuts in the course of sorting through daily news items. But none has the potential of driving me straight up the wall with greater efficacy than stupid people hiding behind the Bible to mask their ill intent. In the words of that master thespian, Hank Worden:

Plantin’ and readin’, plantin’ and readin’. Fill a man full o’ lead, stick him in the ground an’ then read words on him. Why, when you’ve killed a man, why try to read the Lord in as a partner on the job?

Well said, sir.

So, in the spirit of further edification on these here intrawebz, I have created a small segment on my blog called “Ask A Christian”. If somewhere there arises a question as to what the Good Book really says, I can probably answer it.

My qualifications are impeccable: as a lifelong student of the Scriptures, I’ve actually read the entire Bible a grand total of seven times in my life, and as any good student of the Bible knows, seven is a holy number, which means I am an instrument of God. You know, just like Silent Bob.*

Now that we’ve dealt with my qualifications, let’s turn to the piece that offended me so greatly this morning. From Think Progress:

Fort Hill, SC Mayor Danny Funderburk said he forwarded a chain email suggesting Barack Obama is the antichrist because he was “just curious” if it was true:

“I was just curious if there was any validity to it,” Funderburk said in a telephone interview. “I was trying to get documentation if there was any scripture to back it up.”

And what claim was this?

The e-mail, which has circulated in the last six months since Obama secured the Democratic nomination, claims the biblical book of Revelation says the antichrist will be in his 40s and of Muslim ancestry.

Well, Mayor Funderburk, as your internet Christian for the day, I applaud your curiosity. Far too few people actually bother to delve into the Scriptures to find out the deeper meaning held within. You are to be commended for your open-mindedness.

However, I also believe that your mind is so open that this condition has caused your brain to slide out through your ears. You see, the proper method of ascertaining whether or not a particular teaching can be found in the Bible is to open the Bible and look for it.

Now, I can hear the hue and cry already: “WHAT! Do you have any idea how many pages there are in this freaking book? It will take me forever to find the right passage, if it’s even there.” Very true, and and now you know why some people dedicate their whole lives in the endeavor to understand and master the Bible: because it’s a really big, slightly confusing book.

Still, answering questions is what the internet is for. (Well, that and porn, but that’s a discussion for another time.) With that, let me introduce you to a wonderful little resource called Wikipedia. To be more specific, the entry in the Wikipedia marked “Muslim history“.

Muslim history began in Arabia with the Muhammad’s first recitations of the Qur’an in the 7th century.

Mmm, interesting, especially when you consider this tidbit about the book of Revelation:

According to early tradition, the writing of this book took place near the very end of Domitian’s reign, around 95 or 96.

Therefore, unless the apostile John managed to survive into the 600s, there is no way he could have written about Islam.

“AH-HAH! You foolish blogger!” you might say. “Everyone knows that the Book of Revelation spoke about prophecies at the end of days! You really don’t know anything about the book of Revelation!”

Wrong again, dilbert. The Book of Revelation never mentions the word “antichrist”. While John did talk about the antichrist in later letters, he never mentioned the antichrist in Revelation, either explicitly or figuratively. And the Bible never makes mention of Islam in any fashion, in any book.

And for the millionth time, Barack Obama is not a Muslim. If you have any doubts on that score, I have two words for your ignorant self: Jeremiah Wright.

So, if you were truly a curious Bible student and received such an idiotic e-mail, you would research the item in your own Bible and come up with the correct answer. What you do not do with such an e-mail is mass send the e-mail to everyone you know and ask, “Hey, is this shit for real?” You would especially not ask your equally ill-informed friends what they think it means, as they probably don’t know any better than you do, especially if they sent you the e-mail in the first place.

In the future, Mr. Mayor, the next time you have a question about an e-mail purporting to share some deep truth with you, you might want to swing by Snopes and see if you can find an answer there. That is, if you’re not too busy spreading ignorant, racist e-mails to all your friends.

For your penance, I recommend that you listen to a Godsmack CD. They sound like a very religiously-inclined group. If you cannot bring yourself to listen to the CD, just hit yourself in the head with the disc repeatedly. This will have the dual effect of rendering you incapable of spreading racist e-mails and increasing your IQ at the same time.